It’s the Tube strike drinking game!
So, I’m going to arrive home on Wednesday to a scene of utter catastrophe, a ruined capital city where nothing works and nothing’s getting done.
Or, to put it another way, Bob Crow’s swinging the lead again by “holding Londoners to ransom”. Or fighting for his members’ rights by calling a Tube strike. Whatever, the way it gets reported, you’d think angry, rabid tigers had been deliberately released onto the capital’s streets, causing destruction wherever they roamed.
If I were you, I’d “work from home”, crack open the drinks, and play a little drinking game. With apologies to The Guardian’s peerless daily football e-mail, The Fiver, it may be the only way to get through a day of lazy and cliched coverage of one of the capital’s perennial pains in the backside…
- BBC London says the strike is causing “chaos” (a finger of rum)
- Evening Standard refers to “Tube strike hell” (two fingers of rum)
- Evening Standard calls it “misery” (three fingers of rum)
- Footage of Boris Johnson on a bike with other commuters (trebles all round)
- Footage of Boris Johnson falling off his bike (another round of trebles, chaps!)
- Someone calls the RMT “dinosaurs” (a litre of White Lightning)
- “Why are they so well paid anyway? All they do is drive trains!” (a bottle of Meantime Brewery’s Union beer)
- Tory council leader demands congestion charge is suspended (glass of Harveys Bristol Cream)
- Ken Livingstone offers “advice” to Boris on TV (bottle of brown ale)
- At breakfast time, BBC London goes “straight to the Scotland Yard cameras”, as if anyone with a brain will go by car. (triple gin)
- National broadcast media dwell on strike like it’s the most important thing in the country. (a tot of brandy)
- Uppity Scotsman sends a text message to BBC 5 Live Breakfast to say he doesn’t care about the Tube strike. (pour a pint of McEwans Export over radio)
- Phone caller to radio station upset at having to walk two miles. (small glass of absinthe)
- Bob Crow complains about “bullying”, demonstrating slight lack of self-awareness. (A Watney’s Party 7)
- Commuter gets fined for trying to use Oyster pre-pay on mainline rail, despite TfL pledge that it’ll be allowed. (three fingers of Bacardi)
- Smug south-east London blog writer pens hilarious post disparaging Hammersmith for “not really being London anyway, it hasn’t got a mainline rail station, how are we meant to get there?” (a pint of Guinness and a bag of dry roasted)
- Footage of Tube trains in depot. (two fingers from the slops in your local pub)
- Footage of shapely woman on roller-skates. (a whole flask of weak lemon drink)
- Footage of queues for bendy buses at Victoria Station. (a shot of Baileys)
- Boris Johnson reaffirms commitment to scrap bendy buses. (large glass of cheap white wine)
- Footage of Bob Crow in Wembley Stadium for England match. (two fingers of scotch)
- Vox-pops with England fans on Olympic Way (can of Stella).
- 33,796 England fans sing “Bob Crow, is a wanker, is a wanker” live on ITV1 (case of Stella, followed by 18, 453 and 53 buses home)
- The whole charade happens again next month/ next year. (a pint of Domestos on the rocks)
- London news media properly investigate why industrial relations on Tube are so bad. (a shot of… hang on, that’s just taking the piss)